Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Governor Paterson Questionnaire

"Candidates hoping to be appointed to the United States Senate by Gov. David A. Paterson are being asked to divulge details about their finances, job history and any criminal record, several of them said on Monday. At least six contenders for the seat have received copies of a 28-page questionnaire, including Caroline Kennedy . . ." - The New York Times.

1. If you were previously employed in the Queens District Attorney's office, and never passed the bar exam, you should:

A) Lie, and claim the job title of "assistant district attorney" in your official biography.
B) Possess the integrity to not call yourself an assistant district attorney until you pass the bar exam, try a case in open court and win a conviction.

2. The ethical way to spend campaign funds you raise are:

A) On bar tabs, suits and hotel rooms.
B) For honest political advertisements that explain your positions on the issues.

3. One day after becoming Governor of New York, you should:

A) Confess to adultery and turn New York into a nationwide laughingstock, again, in the wake of Eliot Spitzer's resignation.
B) Not commit adultery.

4. While Lieutenant Governor, if you have a home in Guilderland, 20 minutes from the Capitol, you should:

A) Use your state credit card to bill taxpayers 13 times for stays at downtown Albany hotels even though there was no emergency reason for it.
B) Remain home and conveniently get transported into your office.

5. When asked intrusive personal questions about your personal life by the media you should:

A) Pretend you're a self-indulgent guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show, and confess to snorting cocaine.
B) Not snort cocaine.

6. After months of calling for spending cuts with a $15 billion current-year budget deficit you should:

A) Alienate your supporters, and transform yourself into a fast talking fraud by proposing a budget that increases spending.
B) Cut spending.

7. If you're appointed, you should:

A) Support legislation that provides non-citizens of the United States of America the right to vote in New York .
B) Deny non-citizens the right to vote until they become citizens.

8. If you're plucked from obscurity in 1985 and win a seat in the state Senate, you believe the plucking should be done by:

A) Your father.
B) Your mother.
C) Your Uncle Teddy.
D) You have no relatives in politics.
E) You better pick A, or else.

9. If you were to deliver New York's State of the State address you should:

A) Arrogantly tell parents they are too stupid to understand "childhood obesity" and demand a tax on sugary drinks.
B) Forgo a government lecture to moms and dads about how to raise their children.

10. When asked by a reporter about your federal income taxes you should:

A) Blurt out that you underpaid your taxes.
B) Pay your taxes.