TO: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
FROM: Hillary@senate.gov
Hello Eliot.
I hope you understand I greeted you with the same voice inflection as Clemenza when he said, "Hello Carlo."
Your Mensa-level idea to hand out driver's licenses to illegal aliens has created a problem for me. Have you perhaps noticed?
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FROM: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
TO: Hillary@senate.gov
Yes, I have noticed Hillary!!!!!!!!! It's not my fault you BLEW THE ANSWER in the debate!!!!!!!!!
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TO: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
FROM: Hillary@senate.gov
Eliot, I know you have self-control issues and like to use multiple exclamation points and upper case letters when you e-mail. If you keep it up with me I'm going to come over to the Executive Mansion and turn you into a eunuch. Got it? Bill knows what that feels like.
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FROM: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
TO: Hillary@senate.gov
Sorry, Hillary. I hope I'm still in consideration for VP.
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TO: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
FROM: Hillary@senate.gov
Whatever, Eliot. You went from being the Sheriff of Wall Street to the Sheriff of Mexico. Did you see my face while Russert was grilling me? I wasn't thinking about him and his little show nobody watches. Guess who I was thinking about? You. You, Eliot. It was all about you Mr. Day One, Everything Changes.
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FROM: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
TO: Hillary@senate.gov
Sorry, Hillary.
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TO: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
FROM: Hillary@senate.gov
Sorry is only the beginning for you, Eliot. You're getting trashed in every staff meeting and conference call we have here. Gennifer Flowers is more popular than you are with my people now. I don't want to hear another syllable from you about illegal alien driver's licenses, or Andrew Cuomo is my new best friend and we'll primary your public relations disaster of an administration.
I even had to pivot to my vote-for-me-I'm-a-woman strategy because of you. And that Chichester character I can't stand from his empirepage.com days is making fun of me with Helen Reddy feminist songs from the 1970's.
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FROM: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
TO: Hillary@senate.gov
Hillary, you're not going to believe this, but I accidentally came across newly-created travel logs that show you've used New York State Troopers to attend fund-raisers and other political events with no connection to your official Senate duties. I wouldn't want these records to fall into the wrong hands, or, er, you know, become public.
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TO: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
FROM: Hillary@senate.gov
Eliot, how'd you like a lamp thrown at your head in the Mansion once I get there today? Bill knows what that feels like, too. So does my Secret Service detail. I'm the Roger Clemens of lamp-throwing wives.
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FROM: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
TO: Hillary@senate.gov
Hillary, have you notified the Internal Revenue Service regarding taxes owed for travel to political events? I've already given them a heads up about it on your behalf.
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TO: r.milhouse.spitzer@executive.chamber.infant.gov
FROM: Hillary@senate.gov
Eliot, I can hardly wait to get to the Mansion so we can have a nice chat. About you, and what I think your new needs are now. It's on Eagle Street, right? And you should Google "Rick Lazio" when you have some free time to see what's in store for you.
